story originally published under TRUE Confidence Stories: Alison Leipzig
Boobs. Bazookas. Bazongas. Bosom. Boulders. Funbags. Honeydews. Gazongas. Grapefruits. Melons. Honkers. Jumbos. Mounds. Mountains. Tits. Tetas. Tetonas. Tittage. Torpedoes. Zepplins.
And just last week as I crossed the street, “Hey Airbags!”
My breasts changed my life. Since they showed up, they have bothered others, attracted looks and for some strange reason, gave everyone permission to make commentary…as if I wasn’t there.
My breasts have been beacons for unwanted attention. Hands of friends, grocery store clerks, amusement park attendants have wandered. Shoulders squeezed and male friend’s of the family peered down my shirt.
My breasts meant sexuality to many and created vulnerability for a young girl. There is something about a girl or woman with large breasts that can really bring up some deep-seated unconscious insecurities…and may I add, fantasies in many. Large breasts seem to equal sexual availability or wantonness.
Arriving quickly at the age of nine, they took me much too quickly from pigtails, glasses and book-devouring geekiness to a pit stop at A then a full B cup. Boys began to stare. Girls to hate.
The lies arose and kept growing side by side my cup expansion. I was slutty they said. That I let boys play with them and suck on them-the true secret to my growth. That’s what my best friend told everyone! There was commentary on the bathroom walls and boys tried to pop my bra clasp to see if tissue or real breasts would fall out.
It didn’t help that I was one of the only Latinas growing up in a white, Jewish neighborhood. I already stood out. I was the only Vanessa in a sea of Jodi’s and Deborah’s. A few girls developed quickly too but most were flat or small chested at that time. I started covering up. My posture suffered. At 13 I was an overflowing C cup threatening to go D and my friendships were diminishing.
I imagine now that my father was uncomfortable with his little girl growing up and out. He said I was fat. The truth was I was 5’4” at 125lbs. I started feeling self-conscious. I wanted bigger clothes, my mom argued against it.
One day walking into my family’s kitchen I overheard my paternal grandma say, “Poor Vanessa, I will save money for her. I will save money and I will help her get an operation.” I asked, “Abuela, what do I need an operation for?” I hated my nose, maybe a nose job? “Ahhh she said of course your horrendous breasts!” Sobbing I ran to my room.
My life was ruined before it began I thought. Laying on my bed and sobbing my attention fell on a mythology book. The nude beauty of Aphrodite rising from the sea foam soothed my tears.
I ripped off my clothing and stood in front of the mirror. I was surprised. I was pleased. I was, well…alittle in love with myself! My breasts were high, round, firm and well-formed. I giggled as I cast myself as my own Venus, my own sort of beauty, in my own world.
My mom knocked on the door. We had an amazing heart-to-heart. She told me how she suddenly developed at 17, how they made fun of her and that we have to love and accept ourselves the way God made us. Venus and my own mother goddess brought clarity to my life that day and I held on to it from then on.
I have never hated my breasts. I have deep gratitude for my mother’s wisdom and her guidance. Rocking her DDs, positive attitude and great posture.
My mom taught me to love and accept my body. She infused a respect and assisted me in creating standards of behavior that protected me. Though I realized that I had sexual desires at a young age and was quite sensual, I was always careful. In college I was a debate champion and my body was under wraps. I loved to dance but made sure to never lose control drinking or being seen as promiscuous.
In my twenties, I was offered stripper auditions, guys asked me on the street if I was one. If a guy looked at me instead of friends they would sneer,” He likes your tits, that’s it.” Dancing at a wedding about ten years ago a surgeon said to me,” You’re not fooling me you have implants!”
Eventually as a form of protection I allowed my body to expand and the names went from just bazoongas to brick shithouse and thick hourglass.
In my mind, the added weight made me more “balanced” as my hips and thighs filled out. The truth is I felt safer being bigger. I didn’t seem to be such a big deal if I was more of a full-figured busty woman rather than a slimmer one.
I see my generous body parts as being an extension of my abundant soul and my loving heart.
My breasts have withstood heartbreak, loss, joy, profound pleasure and a weight gain and loss of 50lbs…twice. They’ve been through so much and keep on bouncing. I wear bras to sleep, have used firming creams and swear to weight training as the fountain of youth for chest muscles. The bottom line, they are healthy. Breasts are beautiful at any size, in a variety of shapes and I believe they react to how we think of them.
I believe that when we love ourselves and recognize that our bodies are sacred that we embody the Divine.
I know that as I kept walking tall and owning my own personal power I inspire others. As I started my business and really stepped into being visible and known for what I do, I am also seen as who I am…one of the many reflections of the goddess.
Most recently, when asked to name my breasts by some girl friends, without skipping a beat, I exclaimed, ”Goddess Globes!”
Last week a client said, ”Would you ever consider a reduction?”
“Nope, I have great sensitivity! They bring me pleasure!”
“Even if you got bigger? What if they hurt your back?”
“Honey,” I said, “I don’t’ worry about that, to carry these around all this time you gotta have a strong backbone.”
Yeah, I love them, they are healthy and they are mine. Amen! Ashe! Blessed be,
SPECIAL INVITATION!
I am excited to announce that I have been invited to co-create some magic with Sarita Coren, Fairy Godmother of Green Beauty and Natural Beauty Make-up artist, Rebecca Casciano!
If you’ve often felt your heart twist as someone commented on your body or face…
Or have compared yourself to what media finds beautiful…highly manipulated images! If you are ready to release these stories that may have been holding you back please join us!
We will be gathering in sisterhood, acceptance and exploration on Sunday, August 23rd at a private estate in New Jersey to support you in embodying your beauty & free yourself from the past!
For more information on this powerful opportunity please visit: EMBODY BEAUTY RETREAT
If you feel called to join us use the code VANESSA for $20% off the original cost.
EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER:
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